204. The art of being single
This is a response to a previous post: How to be single. Title inspiration by NPR podcast, "Up First" by Meghan Keane, "The Art of Being Single"
Yesterday, while I was walking around with my friends, K 1 and J, and K called me out the other day about how "delulu" and sentimental I was being over my last relationship ending. He reminded me that I called him up, cried to him about how heartbroken I was and pouted that it was going to be a long time until I move on. He was quite gentle and being present with me in the moments where I was being such an overdramatic drama queen about this whole thing. After a week or so of this, I moved on to other pressing matters and surrounded myself with friends and family.
So after a couple of months, he called me out for being pathetic, simpy, and whiny when my relationship ended as we walked on the sidewalk towards the tiki bar (I absolutely love any tiki or pirate themed bar), I thought to myself, "Wow, things aren't so bad right now. My mental state and how I think about relationships now isn't so terrible... Why I was feeling so bad back then?"
We sat at the booth in the back of the tiki bar. The booths in the back were sectioned off as different jail cells and were were in our little table surrounded by prison bars and a dark ambiance, like in our own little island. J got the next round of drinks and the alcohol was flowin'. We were buzzing. We watched K slink down in his own booth and said, "Ok. I love you so much J. I'm going to repair the friendship group we had before it completely blew up in my face. It's because I love you so much J, that I'm going to put aside my feelings and call D." 2
Pirate themed decor was immaculate
I love this margarita omg
We celebrated even more that night. It was a very good send-off to those bad feelings. We got home and we watched the Goofy Movie, but I passed out on the couch. It was awesome.
I'm taking a second to be a little bit proud of myself. I wrote such a gut-wrenching and dramatic blog post about 2 months ago. I don't feel the same sadness and grief as I did back then.
One of the questions my friends, N, asked me when I was broken up with was, "No offense to him, he's a nice guy and all, but what did you really see in him?" This particular friend met up with us and we had lunch together. It was one of those big "milestone" relationship events that had to happen - the meeting of the friends. The day before, I had met with his parents. I truly thought this was a sure thing. I thought this relationship was it, and he said that he thought this relationship was it as well - until it wasn't. Which was too bad - to say the least.
And yet, here I am. And I’m fine. I'm still a little bit bitter, but overall I feel better than I was a couple months ago.
At the time, it felt like I had to understand the breakup, like if I could just hold up all the puzzle pieces to the light, I’d see where they didn’t fit. But the truth is, I was trying to make sense of something that didn’t need solving. Sometimes, things don’t fit because they simply don’t. Sometimes, people walk away because they don’t know how to stay. And sometimes, the love you’re giving is real, but the person on the receiving end isn’t capable of handling something real. It's quite unfortunate, but it's alright now. I'm thinking to myself: If I can love someone so wrong for me this much, imagine how much I could love someone who is actually right for me?
I used to be so caught up in the whys. Why did he leave? Why wasn’t I enough? Why did I pour so much of myself into something that ended? But now, I find myself asking different questions- ones that aren’t about him at all. Why did I think I had to prove my worth to someone who couldn’t see it? Why did I accept crumbs when I wanted the whole damn cake? Why did I think love was something to be earned instead of something to be met with? I think I'm getting better at these relationship conflicts now.
I’m not angry anymore. I’m not heartbroken. I’m just… here. Standing in the middle of my own life, realizing that I’m still whole, still moving forward, still me. There was a time when I thought this breakup would break me, but now it just feels like one chapter in a much bigger story.
Maybe the best part about healing is that it happens quietly. You don’t wake up one morning and declare yourself cured. You just go out with friends, and someone calls you delulu, and instead of feeling exposed, you laugh - because you realize you’re not that person anymore.
And that’s something worth being proud of.
In English we say, you don’t love me, you only love the idea of me. In poetry we say, you say that you love me, but what you really mean is that you need a space for your love to occupy. You need someone to be the object of your affection, which in truth has nothing to do with me. I do not want to be loved for the sake of being loved, I want to be loved because you’ve traced my scars back to their origins and found something familiar on your way there. I want to be loved because you’ve turned my heart inside out and sorted through its contents. I want to be loved because your pain recognizes mine and when we meet eyes I don’t have to wonder if I’m being seen. I want to be loved not because I’m the antidote to your loneliness but because your loneliness runs parallel to mine. I want to be your companion, not your solution. Your partner, not a stand in for your empty space. Love me past the surface of my skin, or do not love me at all.” - Whitney Hanson
~ tiki bar tourist,
<3 K
🍄 https://marblethoughts.bearblog.dev/
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K is actually OWEB! Fun fact. He has graduated to initial status because I truly want to stop calling him OWEB.↩
J and K were in a friendship trio, but something happened and K and D aren't on talking terms anymore. It makes J kinda sad, so it was really nice to see K admit this to himself and take some action after months of talking about this.↩