179. re: lying to myself (dear misu)
Dear misu,
5 AM; I am also awake at this hour, due to jetlag. The world feels quiet at this hour, doesn't it? Today, I didn't go outside in the cold and force myself to go running. How are you doing, friend? I've kept you posted on my whereabouts and thoughts. I haven't had the chance to check in with you.
I read your post, it struck me. I see what you mean, it's not a choice, but a constant undercurrent in everything. There's the realization that not everyone experiences it this way. A lot of my friends don't feel that rush of euphoric highs when things are good either, nor do they endure the heart-wrenching lows when things go bad.
I guess there's no easy fix for that, is there? You're correct - it's not something you can change. However, I don't think it's about how you, me, or anyone else reacts with love, but how you are with it - how it shapes you.
I keep thinking of Rilkeβs exhortation: go to the limits of your longing. Where? You want me to come here and suffer? Well here I am.
It's the early hours and I get it. So much of yourself poured out into the ether with nowhere to go. At least for me, love - it's the kind of feeling that could unravel anyone. It's an invitation to reach the boundaries of desire, even if those boundaries feel like they are made to break you.
It's really not crazy to feel like this. Hell, I feel how you feel too. You're not alone, my friend. Even when the feeling is too much to carry. We've created the space for it and sometimes the only thing we can do it is let it exist.
~ don't lie to yourself,
<3 K