227. On company
I’ve always been good at finding people. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say I’m good at being found. Different circles, different groups, different types of friends, I can float between them without too much trouble. It’s a wide net I cast, whether for friendships, social ties, or the occasional thought of partnership.
But even with that reach, I spend most of my time with myself.
It’s not a bad thing. I like my own company. I like knowing I can fill the hours without needing to be entertained by someone else. But the truth is, it does get boring. There are only so many conversations you can have in your head before you start wishing for a second voice.
I think that’s why so many people my age lean hard toward relationships (my mother commented to me today that I was approaching 30 and I felt a lil stung), not just romance, but companionship. A built-in witness to your life. Someone who’s there not just for the highlights, but for the idle, boring parts too. I notice that gap sometimes, even though I’m usually fine being alone.
The funny thing is, I don’t feel lonely in groups. I can sit with friends, move through different friend sets, laugh and connect, but then I go home, and the quiet feels louder than it did before. It’s a strange kind of solitude, not sad exactly, just persistent.
So I keep company with myself. And most days, that’s enough. But some nights I wonder what it would feel like to come home and not be the only one there.
~ alone but not often lonely,
<3 K