214. On bucket listing
My whole family likes to watch movies, it's kind of a hobby we just do together and I really enjoy it. That's most likely where my fondness for the cinema stems from. I remember when we visited my grandfather during 2015, the entire family (my immediate family, cousins, grandpa) watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015) together. It was a really lovely moment together because my grandpa took his own kids (my dad and his siblings) to watch the first ever Star Wars movie (1977) in the cinema, and now he's taking his grandkids to watch the newest Star Wars installation. It was a full circle moment.
My family has always been a movie-watching family. My dad and I liked to go to Blockbuster (when it was still around). I remember when my brother and I would beg him to buy Nexon cash for our Maplestory characters (what a throwback) while we waited in the lines to check out our rented movies. While we browsed the aisles of colorful DVD covers, my dad would point out different movies that we should definitely watch because he liked them as a kid, for example.
Our regular Blockbuster visits were around 2004-2009, so I was just a young elementary school kid that had an interest in kid shows, like Disney Channel and Cartoon Network-esque media. His suggestions would sometimes go over my head because I would pick something like the animated Swan Lake Barbie movie, for example (the Barbie movies are total bangers, of course).
Original image taken by Ronny Salerno
While going through the aisles of Blockbuster, my father did have some good film recommendations - like Amélie (2001) (I was so scared of this movie and didn't watch it until I was at least 13 years old because Audrey Tautou looked so creepy on the cover and I was so scared as a kid), Matilda (1996) (great movie!), and the Bucket List (2007). The Bucket List was a movie that my dad would always reference because he thought that it was a good film with a good takeaway message (he would always reference the kopi luwak scene). I watched the Bucket List a long long time ago, but I am due for a rewatch soon (I don't remember much since I remember watching this as a child!).
I was so inspired by having a "bucket list" that I wanted to implement something like that in my life. I was so determined to do it with someone too, just like Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.
About a decade ago, when I was with my first boyfriend (he sucked). I really wanted to have a fun and dynamic relationship, so I suggested that we write a list of things we haven't done. So we (I) made a bucket list of activities we wanted to do together. Some of the bucket list items were really romantic like "kiss in the rain" and "become regulars at a restaurant or cafe", something like that. That relationship ended and I never really finished the list. I didn't really get a chance to make a bucket list like that with someone again (I burned the list and all other letters and stuff he gave me).
In actuality, I realized that I think I wanted to do the list more than he did. It seemed like he didn't really have much of an interest in the gushy romantic stuff because he would write things down like "massages 😈". and I felt uncomfortable with the level of suggestive things he would add, or "partake in a protest", but didn't really agree with his political beliefs at all. The relationship was doomed from the start, but I continued to fight on and try to make things work, even with a faulty bucket list, because I really wanted to do things in life because they seem fun and interesting to me.
Looking back, that bucket list wasn’t really about us - it was about me wanting to experience life in a fun, movie-montage kind of way. And while I thought having a partner would make those moments more meaningful, it turns out I just wanted to do them period. I wanted the stories, the memories, the feelings of "oh wow, I really did that." The whole relationship could have been replaced with a well-organized group of friends or, honestly, just me and a good book in a scenic spot.
I’ve never actually made a new bucket list with anyone since then, but I’ve done a lot of those things on my own anyway. I have, in fact, kissed in the rain (unexpected, unplanned, solid 7/10 experience, highly situational). I’ve become a regular at a café (I always work at the one down the street from my place and the staff know me by name, and I know them all by name too!). And I’ve done a bunch of things that my younger self would have thought required a romantic partner - like taking myself out for nice solo dinners, going on spontaneous road trips, and writing long, dramatic love letters that I never send (but the gesture is what counts).
I feel like there's a lot of disinterest in having a bucket list. For example, a lot of people scoff at travel bucket lists. I see both sides of this argument. It seems like the travel bucket list is so ridiculous. It is so common to fall in to the trap of going somewhere just to check it off a list. I have found myself in the past doing so. Keeping up with how many states or countries visited is a similar pitfall. Maybe it would lead to the thinking of having a list of "things which may or may not happen". Not "things I absolutely need to do before I die or I will have an unfulfilled life."
While sometimes list-making can add unnecessary stress (like when I make super long to-do lists for my housekeeping and admin priorities), I’ve found that keeping a curated list actually helps me simplify. It stops me from getting swept up in whatever new shiny idea pops into my head and keeps me anchored to the things I’ve actually wanted for a while - whether that’s places I want to travel, books I want to read, games I keep saying I’ll play, or just little life experiences I don’t want to forget about.
But I also get how the whole "bucket list" mindset can backfire. Instead of making life feel more intentional, it can start to feel like a never-ending scavenger hunt where the prize is… more things to chase. More places to go, more accomplishments to check off, more, more, more. And suddenly, you’re not enjoying the moment - you’re just collecting it like a weird little experience hoarder. There’s a balance to be found between having goals and letting life happen, and I think I’m still figuring that part out.
My friend, tiramisu has been such a long-time supporter and great listener of my tall tales and adventures. In a call, I remember recoiling and being a little bit down while I was on a vent session with him the other week. He told me that I've actually done "a lot more life" than the average person, and it shifted my perspective right then and there.
The main thing I learned is this: the bucket list isn’t about checking off activities with someone else. It’s about finding ways to live in a way that excites you, whether or not there's someone next to you holding your hand. And now, if I ever make a bucket list again, it won’t be a couple’s bucket list. It'll just be mine.
(Actually, I have a couple of things on my "bucket list" already!):
DJ for a house party
Visit Nepal and hike around
Teach English at a high school (abroad) and help coach the girls' soccer team
Renovate a house in Japan and turn it into a climber's haven/international hostel near the mountains, have it strategically near famous bouldering spots and nice hot springs
Renovate a house in the Italian countryside and maybe retire there?
What I've realized is that I don't really have to finish these bucket list items really. I think dreaming about them is good as well :)
But idk man. I don't want to dream my life, I should live my dreams, right?
btw- I live in Malaysia currently and Indonesia is like ... right there, yet I haven't tried kopi luwak yet. It's totally on my bucket list.
~ A kopi luwak virgin,
<3 K