178. How to be single (pt. 2)
Here is part 1 of this blog post.
My family and friends kept saying that I'm processing this break-up like a man, not that it's completely wrong of me to go against my biology, but I've been emotionally-unavailable and stunted this past week and a lot of men don't process the same way as women. I took the first steps and informed my people about all this, just so I don't feel alone. People have been very kind to me and offering words of advice, invites out, funny memes and jokes, and taking time to speak with me. I am very thankful for it, but I was catatonic, numb, and quite frankly, especially unfeeling, even when these nice things have happened to me. I really wasn't being present in the moment since I've been racking my brain flooding my head with such awful overthinking. Things have settled down and I'm writing with a clear head and 6 oz. of coffee and milk, while listening to the early morning birds :) I appreciate my community.
When I flew into my hometown, my flight seat neighbor decided to get drunk or high or combination of both (I could smell something strange coming from his breath whenever he tried to sleazily talk to me) and sharply whispered in my ear, "I saw you at the lobby of the Hampton at the bar this morning.", which was false, of course. I was too busy trying to get my ass to the airport on trains and roadways before noon, not enough time to enjoy a mimosa at the Hampton by Hilton at brunch.
On our flight descent, the air hostess yelled at me because I had to leap out of my seat since my drunk seat neighbor decided run to the back of the plane whilst puking all over me, the floor, and a long plastic bag. That whole ordeal delayed the landing for about an hour and the medic and fire department, along with a gurney, had to be called. I smelled terrible when my family picked me up from passenger pick up.
Since I came home from the holidays, I really didn't have much time to process the break-up so easily. I kept it all in, bottled up, only crying for just a few minutes and just resuming what I was doing. I went on early morning runs in the cold brisk air before 6AM (due to my jetlag) and published constantly on my Strava - well, mostly empty thoughts and motivational quotes. I ran alone and cried into the lake everyday for a couple minutes before resuming my run. It's only been a week and I was too tired to mask it. I think I needed a little bit of a shift.
I continued to read up more reddit posts about people's laments and stories, also watching movies that would really help me understand my situation. To an extent, I could try to rationalize or reason this out - but ultimately, some things can't be 'logic-ed' out and I just need to ride it out.
I finally called him, just to get to that edge of finality, and honestly - it helped, but now the emotions flood in. I told him to humor me one time (because I know myself. Just one call was my limit). After hearing him, it was a good call. Sometimes those "no contact" advice threads are wrong. Some say that it would set you back in progress, but I disagree. I think it was actually a beneficial move on my part. I cried before I slept for 12+ hours yesterday. I'm not usually a long sleeper, but I think it's the emotions finally settling in and I can finally indulge in the broad spectrum of feelings. I was told that I was an emotionally-intense person. I wouldn't say that I'm quick to anger, I think I'm pretty level-headed most of the time. It's just that I would like to get to the bottom of things pretty often.
I finally woke up around 4:30ish AM. I didn't realize that I slept so much and slept so early, evident by the long trail of dry drool on the corner of the left side of my mouth. I slept so much that I didn't know what day it was, I really thought it was yesterday or the day after. After a long think and a couple of bites of an apple, I took him off my social media (I got a little bit a of kick when he would instantly be the first person to watch my stories, but now I realized that I'm reaching and yearning like a damn fool), and with two accidental calls on WhatsApp, I embarrassingly blocked and unblocked and then blocked again. Whoops. Not sure if he got the notifications from that, but I'm just going to let that slide and not say anything after those two accidental calls...
--
I finally listened to a man podcast today. Some of my favorite podcasts are Fresh Air, NYT: Modern Love, Ologies - Alie Ward Stuff You Missed in History Class, Off Book: The Improvised Musical, Dead Meat Podcast, ARE WE ON AIR?, and Bitch Bible. I've never been the one to be into relationshipy male perspective podcasts. These guys like to yap and they're possibly saying nothing, but it's nice to see what this all means from the man's side of things.
Appropriately named Broken Heart Club Podcast by Aleef Khan, I listened to a comprehensive break up guide on how to navigate this. I've learned a lot before from other break-ups in the past, but this one especially hurts because I think there was no ill-feelings and it's not that we didn't want each other... It's just circumstance. I just have to accept it right now. I learned about some funny concepts which might not be really scientifically-based, but the vibes seem right?
I've summarized the following steps from the comprehensive break up guide below:
1. Accept reality
Face the breakup head-on. It’s okay to feel disbelief or denial at first, but you must acknowledge that the relationship is over to start healing. Acceptance doesn’t mean it’s the end forever, but it’s your reality right now.
2. Let yourself grieve
Cry, scream, or punch a pillow - whatever it takes to process the pain. Grief comes in waves and doesn’t follow a timeline, so don’t rush yourself. Remember, sometimes it’s not the person but the dreams they represented that you’re mourning. Those dreams can be fulfilled elsewhere.
3. Understand the brain's frenzy
The human brain is wired to cling to bonds for survival, making breakups feel like life-or-death. This “hyper-drive” state triggers anxiety and irrational behaviors. You do things that you would never normally do. This mechanism is activated when we feel like we are losing our loved ones. Hence, we are riddled with agonizing anxiety all day. Recognize this as biology, not destiny. It makes sense that our brains goes into a frenzy wanting to get them back. Understanding your instincts helps you resist them.
4. Be patient with yourself
Healing is slow, and that’s normal. It hurts now, but the intensity will fade. Stop expecting a quick fix. Time is an ally here.
5. Seriously, go 'no contact' and master the art of 'no contact'
Love triggers a rush of brain chemicals like a "chemical cocktail" of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins, creating intense happiness. When a breakup happens, this chemical cocktail is abruptly cut off, causing withdrawal symptoms similar to addiction. To heal, it's crucial to go "cold turkey" and cut all contact, even though it's painful and challenging. Cut all ties. No texts, no calls, no social media stalking. Staying friends or stalking their social media might seem comforting, but ultimately prolongs the pain and complicates recovery. Avoid social media entirely, or gradually reduce exposure to it. Resist the instinct to reach out - giving them space is necessary for both your healing and respecting your and their boundaries.
Survive in small increments: a day, a week, a month at a time. Track your progress to stay motivated, like crossing off days on a calendar. If you’re tempted to break the streak, remind yourself that reaching out will push them further away. The ultimate goal? Being healed from a place of self-respect.
8. Stop searching for the "real" reason
It’s tempting to play detective and dissect every interaction to uncover why the breakup happened. While closure feels necessary, the truth is that the reason may be more emotional than logical, even for your ex. Instead of seeking answers from them, reflect inwardly. Write down what you believe the reasons were- incompatibility, communication issues, or other circumstances- and accept them. Closure is something you give yourself, not something your ex can provide.
9. Don’t blame yourself
Breakups can leave you feeling rejected on a deeply personal level, but it’s important to remember that it’s not all your fault. Relationships end for a myriad of reasons, many beyond your control. Focus on the fact that you deserve someone who embraces you- flaws and all- and makes every effort to stay. The hard times reveal true compatibility more than the good times ever could.
10. Avoid idealizing your ex
Much like a drug addict romanticizes their vice, it’s easy to focus on your ex partner's positives while overlooking their flaws. Take some time to write down their imperfections or behaviors that hurt you. Remember, they chose to leave, and that’s a significant flaw in itself. Refocusing on their negative traits can help ground your perspective and reduce your longing.
11. Practice self-compassion
Be kind to yourself. Replace self-critical thoughts with supportive ones. If you wouldn’t say something hurtful to a close friend, don’t say it to yourself. Developing a nurturing inner voice can help you rebuild your confidence and resilience.
12. Fill the void with growth
Channel your energy into self-improvement. Explore hobbies, learn a new skill, or dive into topics you’ve always wanted to study. This process not only fills the gap left by your ex, but also helps you grow into a more fulfilled and confident version of yourself.
13. Don’t distract yourself to avoid the pain
Staying busy to suppress thoughts of your ex only delays the healing process. Allow yourself to feel the pain and let it flow through you. By fully processing these emotions, you pave the way for genuine recovery.
14. Practice mindful meditation and rebuild your identity
Constantly ruminating about your ex is normal, but exhausting. Mindful meditation can help you break this cycle and bring numerous physical and mental health benefits.
In relationships, we often merge our identities with our partner, and when they leave, we may feel lost. Now is the perfect time to rediscover parts of yourself that were neglected. Reclaim hobbies or passions you gave up, and explore things you couldn't do while in the relationship, like traveling. Take the opportunity to rediscover who you are and what you truly want.
15. Write letters to them (but don't send them)
I write letters to my past relationships and keep them in an envelope. I will never ever send them. Eventually, I will trash them or burn them, mentally thanking them and forgiving them.
Final thoughts
Breaking up feels unbearable now, but I'm just riding out the chaos. One day, I'll wake up and feel better.
~ wholehearted,
<3 K