177. How to be single
[Edited 3 Dec 2024]: I wrote a part 2 as an extension to this blog post.
I’m trying to catch up with writing, but it seems like I’m trying to catch up with life. A lot of things happened while I was gone. I really need to be reflective and focus on processing my thoughts through writing. I’m back baby.
Every time I experience a break up, I watch “How To Be Single” (2016). It came out when I was near the end of the high school and really didn’t have much dating experience. It’s almost a decade, and I’ve had a lot of romantic misadventures under my belt at this point. I’ve experience everything that movie showed. Also, I just like how charming Dakota Johnson is in this. Every time I watch the film, I relate to all of the characters more and more with every romantic connection I’ve had.
So right now, I feel quite sad. Currently spiraling from another break up again lol. So I’m writing this all out and posting my vulnerabilities out in the open, just to tell the world that I’m a human experiencing grief and heartbreak at the moment. I am coping with spending time with family, cooking a lot, and joking about this with friends. I really am hurting so much inside.
When we met, he was kind of reserved, but deliberate with his words. We clicked, fast. He was thoughtful, meticulous, and I thought I saw in him someone who knew what he wanted. Turns out, he didn’t- or worse, he did, but didn’t have the guts to be upfront about it. And now I’m left cleaning up the emotional debris of something that never should’ve started. We talked about it at the beginning, but perhaps it’s a testament to my lovable nature that he didn’t want to stop seeing me (🤭). I digress, I’m feeling like a big bag of shit right now. I don’t feel very lovable/loving at the moment.
Break ups are supposed to be like this. I get that… this one cut me wide open in ways I wasn’t ready for. I’ll keep the reasons why we ended in secret. I’ve spoken about the break up in lengths with my friends already. Ultimately, I still can’t understand the decision. Maybe it’s because I just don’t get it, maybe I won’t ever try to get it… and that’s okay.
I want to say I’ll forgive him one day, but honestly, I’m not there. I’m still in my grief. I just want to reach out to him. I want to just talk to him again and maybe I can get closer to closure and understanding. I know it would be such a bad idea. I’m hurting so much but he’s preoccupied with a lot of things and I shouldn’t even reach out at all. Writing on the blog helps a lot.
Maybe this bitterness will fade, but right now, it feels justified. I told him I couldn’t stand another heartbreak again. It’s, quite frankly, exhausting.
I don’t mean to be overly dramatic, but he robbed me of half a year I could’ve spent with someone who actually wanted me, not just someone who found me convenient until I no longer fit the mold his guilt imposed.
The pain? It’s sharp. It’s humiliating. I felt like I was nothing more than a placeholder, like someone to warm the bench until he finally realized what he wanted. I don’t mean to be arrogant, but I’m confident to say that I’m destined for the “starting lineup” and I would never even consider being a benchwarmer. I keep replaying the moments, any signs I might have missed, but really, he never gave me the chance to see them. That’s what really hurts the most- the cowardice.
Dammit. I’m upset. I was really holding back when I saw him because I didn’t want to ruin the in-person moments with him. I fell in love and I was such an idiot about it. I feel like such a tool. A massive tool. My friends, who I told this about, are furious on my behalf. I didn’t want to let the bitterness and anger seep inside me, but dammit. It’s been a couple of days and I don’t feel like crying. Let me rage. Rage healthily on my personal blog and scream into the void.
I don’t want to be “that person” but I told him that he was a fool for giving up on a love like this. I don’t know if he’ll change his mind at all, but if he ever does- he better be prepared to do the groveling of the century. If that were to occur, don’t know what my state my head would be in, but what an impressive comeback if that ever happens. I’m not holding my breath though. I’ve gotten quite cynical over the years, but dammit I’m mad, but I’ll heal soon.
Just let me rage. Just let me grieve.
~ fuming,
<3 K