206. Getting too good at goodbyes
I'm getting too good at goodbyes. This bothers me, but not that much. I feel like a robot, programmed to move onto the next phase of the operation stopping to take stock of what just happened. I was afraid that this meant I didn’t care - that somewhere along the way, after enough goodbyes, my heart had built an ice fortress for self-preservation.
I don't remember when I first became aware of this tendency, but I do remember the first time I lost it over someone leaving. My earliest childhood memory of having some sort of indication of abandonment issues was when my aunt, who worked in Chicago at the time as a young nurse, visited my family when I was a young girl. I was probably younger than 6 or 7 year old at the time. My family all gave her a Filipino departure 1, as she was just in her twenties and still inexperienced and new to the US. Her luggage at tow and about to depart for the airport, she saw me burst into tears. I held on to her leg. My mom has always told me that I was a sensitive kid. Ever since then, I'm trying not to be so dramatic and sad about these sorts of things. I decided to train myself out of it. Unfortunately, it's become some sort of coping mechanism for me.
I would think to myself: if I leave first, if I leave before they leave, then I don't have to deal with the sadness of being left behind.
And I ran with that.
Maybe somewhere between being an international student, going on trips to see family, and living abroad in my adulthood, my life has been a series of goodbyes. Just a couple months ago, I said goodbye to my friends in Malaysia. Some months before that, I said goodbye to a series of folks who decided to pursue other career opportunities, move back to their home countries, or even setting off on new adventures by continuing on to their next travel destination. Every January, I say goodbye to my family when I hop back onto a plane after the holidays. At this point, I should have a loyalty card for farewells, like gold-tier membership. I am a Professional Goodbye-r.
Leaving is easy when there's something ahead of me to move toward- like a new challenge, something terrifying, yet exciting and unknown. Those goodbyes don't sting as much. It's the ones where I'm the one left behind... that's really tough. I don't really like being left behind, so I usually I'm the one who gets out first. These days, I understand it more that when someone has made up their mind to go, there is not much others can do to change it. I think people ought to go.
But soon, those goodbyes became routine. I got good at them, maybe a little too good. I’d make sure that a friend’s final days would strike the perfect balance between sentimental and chaotic fun. I learned not to spend too much time in the feels, and to prepare to drink a lot of alcohol, usually if my friends want to have one wild goodbye fête. I even learned to automate airport drop-offs like a well-rehearsed dance: where to wait in the queue, what to say, when to turn away and leave before it gets too heavy. When people leave more often than you change your bedsheets, and you leave even faster, goodbyes start feeling hollow. I don't want to have a sanitized farewell, but sometimes I let myself feel the hurt.
I’ve come to view goodbyes in a better light. Goodbyes are necessary- they mark the end of chapters, the start of something else. They test friendships in ways that matter. And more than anything, they remind me that there are people in this world who, despite all the moving and shifting, manage to leave something permanent behind. People who carve out space in your life and refuse to fade into the blur of the past. And that makes all the goodbyes a little easier to bear.
~ hello,
<3 K
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Filipino departure - kind of similar to a Filipino welcome. Everyone gets into the car, welcomes the visitor with open arms and with a lot of people. Filipino departures are when they're leaving and they all say goodbye together. It's really heartwarming. This is just a term coined by my father, who observed that a lot of our relatives just pile into the car and welcome people from the airport, train station, etc. and EVERYONE is there! This practice is not exclusive to Filipinos at all, but I think most Pinoys are very sentimental and caring. They like to say hello and goodbye.↩