215. Femininity isn't a fixed trait

28 Mar, 2025

I went on a date with a guy from Salamanca, Spain. We were in a very dark, sleazy bar (he totally raved about it and was so excited we were in a private curtained room... I kept my distance, but honestly I thought it was a very chic place too lol). I thought that place was nice, but I wasn't really like, over the moon about the coolness factor. I got my mango cocktail and was happy about that though! hehe.

It was an alright date. For the most part, the guy was respectful and gentleman-like. We talked about cultural comparisons with Europe and Asia. I practiced my Spanish a bit. It was entertaining, to say the least.

We went to a really nice izakaya! I was very grateful and appreciative of this experience. It was a really lovely sushi dinner :D

My date kept talking about how the girls back in Spain are very "masculine" and that perhaps I was influenced by the women here (it seems like the girls in Asia are very traditional and conservative) that I seem a lot more "feminine" by nature. I argued that I may look and behave like the women here, but I feel like I have "westernized" ideas. The comment both irked, but intrigued me. I do think of myself as feminine, but not in a way that is trying to attract anyone, mostly because I have more of a preference in girly hobbies and interests.

But what does that even mean, really?

I’ve always felt that femininity is such a slippery thing to define. It’s this constantly shifting, deeply personal, yet weirdly public performance. You’d think it would be as simple as “do what you like, wear what you like, be yourself,” but in practice, femininity is always under scrutiny - either you’re too much or not enough. Too delicate, too bold, too passive, too aggressive. It’s exhausting. I feel like we're trying to define the term, "girlhood" too much these days? I don't mean to complain, but I just would like to simply just be me. I'm just female and I'm happy to be female. And also - I think people who want to be female should be happy and safe to be female as well.

For me, femininity has always been something I enjoy in a quiet, personal way. I like writing long, emotional letters and decorating them with stickers. I like floral-scented things. I like pretty stationery, long skirts, and books and movies about women’s lives. I like matchmaking my friends and watching rom-coms where people have ridiculous, cinematic misunderstandings. But none of these things are about being perceived as feminine - they just feel right to me, like little joys I’ve picked up along the way.

Although, I initially took his comment like a compliment (commenting about how my girliness was a positive thing, which I graciously accepted), I thought about it then told him - "I don't think there's a problem if the women in Spain act like "un-feminine" or something like that." I wasn't sure if he was trying to bait me into being slightly misogynistic or something. I don't want to insult women like it's a negative thing to be masculine. I feel like I have masculine tendencies as well.

I think what irritated me about the Spanish guy’s comment was the implication that femininity is some fixed trait that comes from the culture you’re in, or worse, that it’s something men observe and categorize, and then rank according to their attraction to them. That some women are naturally feminine while others have been corrupted into being too masculine. It felt like he was measuring something that isn’t measurable, as if the women in Spain had collectively failed a test I hadn’t even realized I was taking.

He may has some unconscious biases, I guess. It was a weird discussion, but I enjoyed debating the different sides. I was on one hand, trying to grasp and understand this certain perspective that my date had, but also trying to eloquently argue my side of this debate. I thought about this more, even after we switched conversation topics.

And maybe that’s fine! I feel like there shouldn't be a fixed definition about this at all! Just like how masculinity is. It seems like "masculinity" gets to have contradictions, quiet hobbies, their bold and soft moments without anyone accusing them of betraying their gender. But femininity? People love to dissect it. Are you feminine in the “right” way? Is it authentic or performative? Are you embracing it enough? Are you rejecting it too much? It’s like femininity is constantly being graded, and I never signed up for this exam.

Although, I think masculinity gets criticized just as much too. Is it just too exhausting to be human?

Back to the topic - I feel like there’s also the issue of what people want femininity to mean. In some contexts, femininity is tied to softness and passivity, being agreeable and nurturing. In others, it’s about beauty and grace, elegance and charm. And then there’s the kind of femininity that’s powerful and rebellious - the woman who owns her presence, who doesn’t shrink herself down. Sometimes I feel like I float between all of these definitions without really settling on one.

I don’t think femininity should be something that gets judged on a scale of “correct” or “incorrect” or even "attractive" or "unattractive." It’s one of those things, like love or creativity, that is felt rather than defined. Some people find it in lipstick and dresses, others in their ambition or confidence. Some reject the idea altogether, and that’s valid too.

I never saw my femininity as something fragile or decorative. I think about this when I reflect on the things I enjoy. I felt like I grew into my girliness as an adult. When I was a kid, my mother would tell me that I was really tomboyish - I guess I had a lot of "ungirly" interests and preferences. For example, I played soccer (I still enjoy it!), I didn't really like the color pink (now I do!), I played with Hot Wheels (I pretended the cars were my family members and roleplayed with them), instead of using my American Girl Doll (I sold it on ebay for 300 bucks a while ago... It was an expensive doll... I admire people who love to collect them!)

Honestly, nowadays, I don’t wear dresses to be seen as soft or delicate, I wear them because I like how they swish when I walk and that I feel good and pretty and myself. I write letters not because I want to be a romantic ideal, but because I like putting my thoughts on paper and sending them into the world. I write them because I like telling people I care about them in a way that feels tangible. My femininity, if I even want to call it that, isn’t about being looked at - it’s about what makes me feel at home in myself.

And I think that’s the part my date didn’t quite get. He saw femininity as something external, something shaped by society and location, something that could be quantified and compared. And sure, culture plays a role in how we express ourselves, but that’s not the whole story. Because at the end of the day, femininity isn’t a single thing- it’s fluid, personal, and evolving. It’s different for everyone, and that’s exactly why it doesn’t need a definition.

So yeah, that date was cool, but weird. And I never saw him again because his Instagram account got hacked? He was sending weird suspicious messages to everyone in his DM's for some reason. After that "hacking" situation" and that date, I felt weird continuing to see him ¹, so I told him that I politely wouldn't meet up with him again, that I still had a great time though (that wasn't a lie), and then unfollowed him. It felt good, actually.

Here's his message on Hinge about his whole hacking situation. Peep the time, 3:33 AM omg... I deleted Hinge lmao

Good looking guy, but there's plenty of good looking guys out there!

~ a girly-pop,

<3 K

🍄 https://marblethoughts.bearblog.dev/

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