226. Fully in my cocoon mode while the job market tanks
I’ve been echoing the term “cocoon mode” so often to people around me, if they ask how I’m doing. It’s just- a transition stage. In short, I’m job searching (a little frustratingly) while keeping busy. I am doing 2-month Python course/workshop with local university down the street from me, helping my friend edit his poetry book before his writer’s retreat, learning some GIS concepts, figuring out a portfolio, volunteering in the library as a ESL tutor for adult learners, and playing Stardew Valley with a couple of friends. Nothing super fancy to report on my end. I’m taking the actionable steps and trying to preoccupy my time with productive activities, but I’m totally feeling out of it. On the blog, I like to share trip photos or personal stories usually. I’m not in the happiest of moods, but I think writing out some details of my life should help me process in a way, right? I’ve also been in a social media detox for a month and a half.
Today, I cried in front of a friend. It was sort of a relief. I haven’t been emotionally vulnerable with someone outside of my immediate household in a long time. I thought I was holding it together quite well, but I think I had to shed a little bit of tears because I wasn’t doing so well mentally.
We had a picnic in the park and we watched the live action Peach Girl (2017) movie. This was such a vibe. Enjoyed this movie watching experience 10/10
I had reserved the entire day just to kick it at the park. We walked around town, drank ice coffee, emotionally bonded. It’s funny because this particular friend I had met during my friend’s Christmas work party (I was the charismatic plus one), and we hit it off. It’s almost July now and it’s interesting. It took about 6 months to finally crack down and actually be vulnerable with one another. For me, it’s not a very rare occurrence to spill some guts, but I had a big crash out that felt a bit distressing to me. Honestly, I’m not feeling 100% me. I’ve been a little bit withdrawn and haven’t shared much about how I feel internally, which I felt like a betrayal of my usual self (a breakthrough I had as of late).
We were just talking, and then I kind of broke. It was embarrassing for a second, but then it felt like a small moment of relief. She didn’t try to fix it. She just sat there with me. That meant a lot.
As of late, the job hunt has been rough. It’s a bit disappointing for everyone in the world, it seems. I had the bad habit of scanning subreddits, reading all these posts from people who are also struggling. Rejection after rejection. “Final round and they went with someone else.” “Hundreds of applications, not even one interview.” I know I should stop reading them. It’s like mental self-harm at this point. But I keep going back because misery loves company, or maybe because it makes me feel a little less alone.
Last year, I had previously invested in a coffee shop in Malaysia. It wasn’t some sleek, dream-come-true startup story, but I enjoyed the process of building something from the ground-up. It was something I cared about and I enjoyed the day-to-day operations and seeing regulars. With parental encouragement, some support from friends, and a local business partner, a small business was born. Ultimately, it something I worked hard on and gave my heart to. At the end, it failed. My business partner was local and bailed when things got hard, he did a lot of underhanded stuff, and I had to ask for support from a good understanding friend of mine. I had to keep going until we couldn’t see any feasible way to continue. Unfortunately, the best course of action is to dissolve the shop and sell everything. Quietly, slowly. It just didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, but I acknowledged that many businesses fail. That whole experience was somewhat of a dramatic, teachable moment kind of way.
I don’t call myself an entrepreneur because that word doesn’t feel right. I wasn’t pitching to angel investors or building a brand empire. I was just trying to run a place people liked, a local spot I could be proud of. And when it ended, I felt like I lost a version of myself.
Now I’m in this weird space where I don’t know exactly what I’m supposed to be doing and I’m getting really nervous at the uncertainty. I feel like I’m starting from scratch, but I’m also not 20 years old. I built a small F&B business and learned a lot for an entire year, but that whole experience is not easily packaged into a job title. I dunno.
Right now, I’m taking it day by day. Trying to be okay with where I am. Some days I believe things will get better. Other days I spiral into job boards and rejection emails and wonder if I’m doing something fundamentally wrong. I think people in my position have said the same thing as me, I think it’s kind of a matter of luck and timing now. That’s what I’m kinda banking on currently. Also, maybe I shouldn’t be too picky or something. I’ve been trying to find something remote, but also jobs local to my house.
I’m been applying to customer service jobs, writing jobs, IT help-desk jobs, consulting jobs, but I’m getting hit with a lot of rejections. Maybe it is just a numbers game, or I’m not really narrowing down my scope? Honestly, I’ll take a remote part time thing at this point. Lately, I’ve gotten rejected by a lot of entry level retail jobs around town as well. Sadly, I’ve done interviews for blatant MLM companies (didn’t fully knew it until right in the middle of the job interview and I’ve excused myself out of the video meeting immediately) and cold calls from scammers. I didn’t feel good talking to them and politely hung up. A couple weeks ago, I got really sick and was out for a whole week. I don’t like being sick because I sleep the entire time. Thankfully, I’m at home, so I get support from family, but damn.
I suppose the key to getting a job is really down to who you know and internal references. Whelp, I shouldn’t reiterate the same thing everyone’s been saying. It’s just kinda rough right now and I feel just a bit silly complaining now.
~ damn,
<3 K