211. Auditioning for the role of the romantic lead
I titled this post, "Auditioning for the role of the romantic lead" because it often feels like I'm a casting director or film producer searching for the "next big thing" at this point. I understand that this is a pretty unhealthy way to view romance and relationships, but I feel like modern dating has shifted in a way that it's a very much a "catch and release" game, rather than a slowburn romanticism that we read about back in the old days.
I normally do not like to partake in the "game," but it's been a little while for me (everything is relative. it seemed like yesterday I was crying over a bf, but that was nearly half a year ago). Sometimes you need something (an adventurous trip, a new perfume, a silly boy to take your mind off of things) to disturb your routine, just to keep you on your toes. Sometimes I like to revel in the "chase," but when it's all said and done, I return back to normalcy and stay in love with myself. It's always good (and highly recommended!) to stay in love with yourself.
Decentering romantic love is the best way to go about it. If it comes, it comes. If not, then I will surely be okay with it as time goes by. I see nothing wrong with trying to find a mate in this world. I think the journey of "self-love" isn't just loving yourself deeply, it's also understanding what kind of people you want to surround yourself with. Self-love, to me, is connection with yourself, others, and the world.
Anyway, in response to my latest romantic endeavor- unfortunately, it seems like people (not sure if it's a gendered thing, I don't want to be reductive and just say "men") enjoy the "push and pull" tactic of the "art of seduction." I find the charm in it, but I do not like it that much. It's unfortunate, actually. I see a good start of something, but due to distance, location, and other life obstacles - it seems like others are more reluctant than me. Or just, not built for it. Which is totally okay. I will keep searching and figuring out what I want in the meantime.
Now, I can't be expecting something of substance, simply because of the ephemeral nature of such situations that I willingly put myself in, but sometimes people say silly things. Silly things that they truly do not mean. Then they have to backtrack and say, "Oh I never said that!" and then I'm often feeling like the idiot for requesting some clarification. I am often labeled as the one that "comes on too strongly," but I get things like "I'll call you every week" with a lingering sense of rosy promise. Which, to be fair, is super doubtful for me - I will certainly not believe that utter load of crap until I see some action to back this profound claim.
However, I do hang on with a tiny orb of optimism, which is normally fueled by my lust for life (or just lust in the most physical humanistic sense I guess haha). Maybe it's just that I'm the adrenaline seeker as well?
I take comfort in the fact that I will most likely be the best romance travel story (so far... He's so young and young people are often flighty) for this man, I don't want to be super arrogant at all (this is a weird flex and ego boost, I don't like to revel in that), but I have heard many instances of guys talking about their travel romances in the most longing and wistful way. Perhaps they just want the fantasy, not the reality. I feel like those memories are registered in the back of their mind like a file that's categorized under "will bring this story out when I'm at the pub with the boys". Can't seem to figure out why though.
Partially, I have some hypotheses about it:
- It's not for the faint of heart. It looks like it's all fun and games from the outside. But when it's time for the tire to hit the road, people cannot take it.
- He knows he lost something good (but only good for that moment), but he got his little cookie points with his friends and he can act like a martyr for the rest of his life.
These are hypotheses, of course. I don't really want to think of the end-all be-all conclusions for this. It's like an open-ended ending. A lot of things factor into this complex issue of commitment and uncertainty. I sound a bit contentious and arrogant today. I apologize. I have to go get some kind of demon or spiritual entity that is attached to me taken care of.
~ a crumpled up call-sheet,
<3 K